Now call me old fashioned if you like but when it comes to my top ten sex toys I do not include a Breville toaster in the list. The idea of inserting something so dear and precious to me into a metallic object with the capacity to turn a slice of bread a deep golden brown in less than a minute isn’t my idea of fun but apparently my hesitation is not shared by all. Recently a local fire brigade was called to the home of a man whose emergency was, shall we say, a trifle delicate. And he’s not the only one to have required help when experimenting with sexy toys, since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey a large number of women have needed releasing from wrist restraints including novelty handcuffs and even medieval shackles.

I imagine a visit from the local fire service is more than enough to dampen any lover’s ardour even without the use of a pressure hose. Or perhaps it is the opposite as I read that the dating site, Uniform Dating is proving quite popular.

I’d rather date a sexy visiting escort myself. In an emergency situation, such as when I am away from home on business and stuck in some boring hotel room, I can dial my very own version of nine, nine, nine – i.e. the number of Local Escorts – and my rescuer will soon be on her lovely way! With the most wonderful girlfriend experience available today only a phone call away don’t be surprised if I don’t answer any calls, I will be tied up.